What is Hell?
To answer this question, most would point you in the direction of Dante’s Inferno to learn the ins and outs of the seven realms he so horrifically described. While Alighieri probably got some of it right, we must remember that he lived in the Middle Ages—roughly 800 years ago. Things have changed. Today, I would argue hell looks a bit different.
Perhaps, hell is a cold office—too cold to ever be comfortable, yet not cold enough to justify bringing it to someone’s attention, resulting in a constant cycle of frigid hatred. The office also has a single flickering fluorescent, only dull scissors, an untraceable coworker clipping his or her nails, and an endless supply of shitty, room temperature, burnt coffee. Paradise.
Here are some other things found in modern day Hell:
Inescapable automated messaging with Charlie Day’s voice.
Sarah McLachlan SPCA commercials
Loaves of bread made only of the heels
Overcooked and under-seasoned chicken
A fridge filled with jars of your favorite hot sauces, jams, and peanut butter, only someone put them back in the fridge completely empty.
Internet that lets you watch ten minutes of a show, allowing you to become fully engaged, before glitching and freezing uncontrollably.
A Netflix library of only serious foreign films
Your iPhone always at 1%
Really mediocre stand-up comedy. So you keep watching thinking it will get better, but it never does
Websites where the Live Chat function is down
Only unlined notebooks
Group chats that can’t decide on where to go for dinner.
An apartment filled with half-dead plants. So you can’t throw them out, but also they’re ugly.
Running over massive crater potholes with a new Porsche.
Apple releases where only the camera improves.
Someone telling you there is mercury and parasites in the sushi you are about to eat.
A world where your dad is People’s sexiest man alive
Eating an endless string of spaghetti in front of a very cute human.
A Brooklyn Museum installation of bathroom selfies
Your least favorite cousin messing with your perfectly curated Spotify algorithm
Credit cards getting stolen the day after you register your new one and replace it on all your apps
Free peaches for life, except all of them are mealy. Mealy peaches are garbage.