Laundry Lament (explicit)

I am a very clean person, I like things neat and tidy. My sock drawer is organized into sporty, wintery, and fanciful categories, my closet is organized by material, and my books are categorized by date and color. I clean counters when I am stressed and I sweep floors when I am bored, but I cannot stand the loathsome chore of doing laundry. 

I hate laundry. I HATE laundry. I HATE laundry.


I still don't think the phrase is capturing how much I fucking hate doing my laundry. I would rather scrub the plaster of a month-old bathtub suicide than do laundry. I would rather sleep in the trickling waste of the New York City subway tracks than do laundry. I would rather lick the bottom of my shoes every time I came home than do laundry. I hate laundry almost as much as I hate having to pay to do it.

What is that, huh?! Laundry is payment enough for living in a material world. How dare you make me pay $1.50 for every wash and $2.00 for every dry pile of shit I have to lug up and down the stairs! How dare you.

I am not quite sure where my hatred towards this part of growing up comes from. Laundry was not my assigned chore . I don't have ugly clothes, I don't have a finicky dryer, and I have never been through any traumas regarding lint fires or dryer sheets. One day, I just woke up in my mother's uterus and fucking hated laundry. I must admit that it is probably the thing in life that I feel most passionately about. Guys, line up here. 

The worst part is, I only know that laundry will get worse. I am still at the life stage where the only laundry I do is my own! God help the world when I reach the life stage where I am expected to do laundry for others. FUCK THAT. I will have a husband and children and a whole house of linens and towels and I will be expected to launder them but at that point, I will be strong and successful so I will buy the house next door and throw all the dirty linens and clothes in there instead and buy all new things just so that I won't have to do laundry. 

ugh. okay. that is about the end of my rant. I have to stop now...because I have to go do laundry. 

Kiersten UteggComment